


One Breath in Front of the Other

by queerhedgehog



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Borderline Personality Disorder, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Catra (She-Ra) Needs a Hug, Catra (She-Ra) Redemption, Catra (She-Ra)-centric, Complete, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Feelings, Gen, Healing, Healthy Coping skills, Healthy Relationships, Hopeful Ending, Language, Mental Health Issues, No Sex, One Shot, POV Catra (She-Ra), Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Trying to get better, happily ever after takes work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:21:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24816004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerhedgehog/pseuds/queerhedgehog
Summary: It's been a few years since the rebellion ended and things have all gone right for a change for Catra. But sometimes the old scars are uncomfortable and feel fresh.Catra struggles, but is trying real hard to get better.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 201





	One Breath in Front of the Other

It had been a hard week. Catra had spent most of it in a furious wrestle with the old demons. Nightmares of green and moments of tingling neuropathy spreading from the back of her neck down through her fingers and toes, heart throttling so hard and fast in her chest it made it hard to breathe. It had been about four years since Horde Prime had climbed inside her uninvited.

Twice this week she woke up in the middle of the night, gasping, coughing, trying to expel phantom putrid bioliquid from her lungs, hand scrabbling at the back of her neck, it taking a few terrifying moments for her to realize there was nothing there but the tiniest of scars.

The frantic movements and subsequent quiet-but-not-quiet-enough crying would inevitably wake Adora, who’d wrap her arms around Catra’s middle and press her drool slicked face into her back.

“I’m here. I’m here.” 

It was nice, and would lull Catra back into momentary calm. But for whatever reason, that calm wasn’t sticking this week. She’d learned sometimes it was just like that--functioning on even the most basic level felt impossible. Picking what to eat, deciding whether to visit Scorpia or Frosta or Lonnie or stay home, advising on the princess council about how best to reintegrate Horde soldiers into the world, deciding whether to sit around and do nothing or go practice combat; it was all simultaneously overwhelming and completely inane, and it was all Catra could do to not just run the fuck away and not look back.

It wasn’t like this all the time. Not even most of the time. Most of the time things were good. Really good. The best they’d ever been. She was working on it. She was getting better. She was trying. She did the dumb breathing exercises Perfuma taught her every time her heart begin to race. She’d been talking to Adora, like Adora made her promise. It felt good to help do the work of fixing Etheria, even if the Princesses were still complete dorks. Running and combat simulations and training all worked really well too, normally. 

But the last few days, the ugly cat in her was being very loud, shouting constant doubts that made her heart race and stomach knot and feel like she was in constant danger.

I’m garbage

I’m bad

(Something is going to hurt me)

I don’t deserve this goodness

I’m not good enough

(Something is going to kill me)

Adora is going to leave me

Adora is going to hurt me

It was a lot.

So Catra spent a lot of the day doing suicide sprints until her head pounded and legs trembled. It helped a little. But the just below the surface feeling of panic she couldn’t shake was leaving her raw and exhausted. But she knew what made that feel better too.

Adora was folding the laundry; rolling her socks into precise, military neat tubes. Catra walked up behind her and gave her ponytail a gentle, playful tug

“Hey. You. I need cuddles. Bed?”

Adora finished the pair of socks she was on, leaving the rest behind. “Sounds good.”

The feeling of fighting for your life is hard. It’s even harder when there’s no threat, no reason, and worst of all, no end. No triumph. Not even a defeat to move on from. It made Catra want to destroy something. Fuck up something so at least there would be a tangible crisis to be done with. But that wasn’t an option. She needed to be better.

Better felt like this. Adora’s strong arms around her. It felt like nuzzling into Adora’s chest, running soft hands along belly, legs, back, hands. It felt like purring against her throat. Better felt like letting Adora know how small, weak, scared she was right now, and letting Adora keep her safe, to be the one in control, to make it all okay. To be there with her, fully. She silently willed these thoughts to Adora, while soaking in her warmth. It felt better.

The sudden stillness and soft snores that slipped out of Adora shortly, however, did not feel like better. Not when she needed Adora so badly right now.

They felt like being left alone. Again.

(That’s fucking ridiculous.)

Her muscles all tensed, fur on end.

(It’s FINE)

It felt like a fist had snatched deep in her chest, strangling her lungs; like drowning, alone.

(Adora isn’t leaving you, stupid; she’s just asleep.)

But the tears welled up with the panic. She needed Adora to hear her--

(I didn’t say anything!)

but she’d checked out.

(But I NEED her right now and she doesn’t care or she’d have stayed up with me.)

Catra flung herself from the bed and was out of the room before Adora could finish calling her name, thick with sleepy confusion.

It didn’t take long for Adora to find her on the roof. This wasn’t the first time. Catra sat on a balcony rail, feet dangling down over what looked so much like an abyss in the moon lit night.

Adora walked up behind Catra and wrapped her arms firmly around her waist. The ever present dark spot in Catra’s soul screamed for her to shrug Adora away. Make her pay for the hurt she’d rewarded her vulnerability with. Test her. Don’t let it be easy. It wasn’t supposed to be easy, nothing was. Make her feel the hurt too. See if she’ll keep trying, see if she really cares.

Catra took a couple of stuttering breaths, eyes leaking as she fought to stuff that asshole cat in her mind back in its box. It struggled.

“Is it okay if I hold you?”

No. Shut up. Yes.

Catra shrugged. Adora loosened her grip, but didn’t let go. Waiting. They sat quiet, the only sound in the night was Catra trying to breathe slower, calmer. Get a grip on her racing heart and mind. She sat paralyzed stiff, all effort going into fighting with that ugly little cat in her. It stole her voice sometimes. She couldn’t make her voice go over its screaming then, even when she had so much she wanted to say.

“Did I upset you?” Adora murmured.

Catra nodded. 

“I’m sorry.”

Adora. Adora who’d seen how hard she was struggling all week and had pestered her with food and water when she saw Catra was doing neither on her own. Adora who’d skipped an important princess meeting yesterday to walk with Catra around the lake four times, and made her a goofy little flower crown that was so stupid but pretty and clever and made her laugh. Adora who had spent days helping her investigate someone other than Perfuma to talk to about the green nightmares and feeling of drowning because the meditation and nice words alone weren’t enough. Adora who was tired because she noticed Catra was out of clean shirts, so got up early today to do laundry.

Catra sighed.

The asshole cat was still in her. She would keep working on securing that latch on its cage. She wondered if it would ever go away; ever stop shredding at the corners of her mind and soul. But at least she recognized that asshole a little faster now when it screamed at her to burn it all to the fucking ground. And could finally get a grip on the scruff of its neck.

She leaned back into Adora, tears under control, breathing and heart slowly returning to normal.

“No. You don’t need to be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Ok.” Adora sounded a little confused, but held fast to her, resting her chin on Catra’s shoulder.

“Just stay with me while I work on things. Even though I’m slow. Even though it’s taking forever.”

“Always, Catra.”

They sat in silence again for a few moments, the evening breeze picking up. Adora shivered. Catra slid back off the railing, linking her hand in Adora’s and pulling her back towards the warmth of their home.

“C’mon. Let’s go inside to bed. You’re tired and could use some sleep.”


End file.
